I didn't just decide to be this way one day...

So my blog clearly states at the top, that this is about our ups and downs... I want to be honest, real, vulnerable, and dependent on Christ. So here is me.

Im seeing my sin. I see I need the Lord to change me. I am truly helpless without him.

I am an angry mommy. I yell, I growl, I intimidate, I am short tempered, and plain angry. I didn't just decide to be this way one day. It has slowly crept in and seems to have entangled me. Specifically my anger is toward Lucas. (Calvin doesn't really do anything yet so its hard to be angry at him) He is at such a hard age. 2 is really challenging me. My big picture vision is to show Jesus. To talk about Jesus, to be an example of Jesus and to rely on Jesus. Great big picture right? But how on earth do I do this on a day to day basis? Lucas is an energetic, strong willed, test the boundaries, through a tantrum, spit on you, 35lb, 2 year old little boy, and Im finding I am not able to see big picture in the small daily moments.

Time is flying and I don't want to waste it!

I realized I was angry through few avenues... 1st my husband, 2nd Gods word (the fruits of the spirit for starters), 3rd my throat was sore after a discipline situation, 4th the Holy Spirit, and 5th the look on my boys face.

My heart aches as I write this. Im embarassed, ashamed, and saddened. How did this happen!? But I know my God is mighty to save and is eager to draw His peoples hearts close to Him. I know that the Lord is the only one who changes hearts. No positive words or thinking can change the heart. I can't find my own strength and will power to be victorious over this sin. I NEED CHRIST!

I know that I need to change but don't know where to begin? I don't have a calm, responsive, well behaved little boy. When Lucas spits, hurts or scares Calvin, continues to reach for the sharp knife even though I have told him not to, marks on the couch with permanent marker, throws his food off the table, takes his clothes and diaper off in the middle of the night and pees all over himself, and oh how the list goes on... How do I change my reaction? I am genuinely asking you because I don't know. Im dealing with my sin right now! What verses to you cling to? What do you do in those moments?

I love my boys more than I ever thought possible and I think they are the cutest things to have ever hit this earth but Im a sinner trying to shepard little sinner hearts. I want to not make him a well behaved little boy, I want him to be wild and free! I want him to laugh, run, play, and learn with joy and zeal. I don't want to squash that.

So there it is. My ugly sin. My gross heart. My mean attitude. There are a few women out there that I look at and think how gentle and sweet they are. Im encouraged by you. I want to learn from you. I know you aren't perfect, and that you struggle in other areas but this is my struggle and I can learn from you. God gave us fellowship so we could sharpen each other and call our fellow brothers and sisters to strive to look more like Jesus. Please if you have ANY encouragement or exhortation for me  pass it along.

Some verses I cling to:

Psalm 30:5

For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning.

Psalm 103:8

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.

Proverbs 15:18

A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute.

James 1:19-20

This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.

Galatians 5:19-24

19 Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: [a]immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, [b]factions, 21 envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.24 Now those who [c]belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

Sinful but saved by GRACE,

Alissa 

Ryleigh's Cake Smash

Oh, sweet Ryleigh loves her some cake. She was very reserved though. Even though these are called cake smashes it was more of a cake mash. She was so sweet and seemed to just be soaking up the opportunity to eat the cake. Ive not really done much with kids but new town = new adventures. Hope to do many more family shoots in good ole Columbus. Let me know if you are interested for a spring or summer shoot! Till then... Here is some of Ryleigh to brighten your day! Happy 1st Birthday!

 Hmmm...

 SWEET!

 Dont you just love baby hands?

 

Now that is a smash.

 Im smiling so big with her right now.

 This is AWESOME!

 DONE... sheew.

(Oh, none of these are edited. They didnt seem to need it. She is perfect as is!)

Hope this made you smile today!

Calvin's 6 Month Photo's

Yes folks, more pics of my kiddos!  This is one to mark the 6months Calvin has been with us!  He has been a joy. So different than Lucas. He has thrown us for a loop lately with his sleep patterns but overall he has been an easy, fun loving, and joyful baby.

Here's all about Calvin:

-75% in height

-30% in weight

-50% in head 

-Rollin from belly to back

-Almost sitting up unassisted

-Started solids with Avocado

-Thinks Lucas is hilarious. (L says CHEECH loudly and C just laughs{no clue what cheech means})

-Loves jumping

-Loves peek a boo

-Has an odd shaped head because he would only sleep one way for a couple months

-Most likely allergic to nuts and seems to be growing out of his milk allergy

-Loves to take tubby's with Lucas

I think this is so cute! Yes he is wining.

His new... must put foot in mouth move.

Or any foot for that matter.

Thinking hard about life...

Must get paci...

These below are the only ones I edited because the were dark.

 I could kiss him all over all day! He is so cute!

Calvin's Birth Story: Part 2

Calvin's Birth Story: Part 2

But on Aug 25th they started up again in the morning.  I called my mom to come down and take Lucas. I walked the block a few times, sat on the birthball all day long and even did the pressure points.  I was exhausted and nothing was happening, so I went to bed.  I woke up around 12:30am to go pee.  No biggie, but laid back in bed and had a "different" contraction.  I felt it.  It hurt just a bit.  I laid there and about 10mins later another one came.  After about 3 of these coming ever 10mins, I woke up Tyler and told him what was happening.  He wanted to time them himself.  Two more came and they were 10mins apart.  I knew I was in early labor but could no longer sleep.  So I got in the shower.  BOOM! 2 - 3mins apart the second I got in the shower.  Crazy how it clicked on.  I labored in there while Tyler called Kim and our families. (I'm staring to get butterflies just writing this)

(...me too, as I proof-read, -Tyler)

I labored at home the entire time.  (So opposite of Lucas', where I was at the hospital the entire time)  I showered, (Kim showed up) sat on the birthball, moved to our rocking chair with a heating pad on my back, then back to the ball, while Kim pressed the heating pad on my back.  Back labor is no joke!

It was such a great experience.  We had on hymns in the background, papers with attributes of God posted on the walls, prayer, and overall calm and enjoyable environment.  During the contractions, I was able to sing whatever hymn was playing at the time and it just felt so good!!  They started to get a bit more intense, so Kim reminded me that I wanted to be at the hospital before transition.  We slowly headed that way, around 3:45am.

The drive I had been dreading wasn't so bad.  My rythmic breathing was key, and it was pretty good.  I just needed to concentrate to make sure I was still in "my zone."  We got there and they wheeled me upstairs because I definitely couldn't walk.  Tyler had to go park the car, and when doing so, called Dr. Dornfeld (she actually gave us her cell #).  We had to stop many times during the small trip up so that I could work through the contractions.  Got to the desk, weighed myself, went to the room, changed, peed in a cup, sat on the bed so they could hook me all up to the monitors and check my progress.  This all happened in about 10-20mins.

(I SERIOUSLY HAVE BUTTERFLIES RIGHT NOW)

They check how far along I was... BOOM!  Our nurse looked at me like holy moly... you're 8cm and your sac is about to pop!  I don't know how it happened, but labor pains increased once they had checked me.  The most intense part hit me like lightning.  Two contractions later, my water broke and gave instant relief, quickly followed by more intense pain. (This is when you think you are gonna die from pain...)

My awesome doctor showed up minutes later (we later found out she was running red-lights to rush over!!!).  She was calm as can be and was such an encouragement.  (Again so opposite of Lucas' experience I couldn't believe it.)

At this point, there were literally over 10 people in the room, mostly nurses.  Since things progressed so quickly, they weren't sure what to expect.

I kept screaming that I couldn't wait anymore that I HAD TO PUSH!  I was only at 9cm but my lovely doctor said ok.  Simple. Lets try.

Calvin was sunny side up, so we tried a few positions, but none worked, so on my back it was.  (One really cool thing was that my doctor just sat at the end of the bed on the corner just watching and encouraging.  She never rubbed anything or stretched things.  She calmly watched and encouraged)

I pushed for 20mins.  And to my surprise Calvin was huge!  So huge that he got stuck.  Yep stuck.  My doctor and Kim joked that his head was born at 5:05 but his body at 5:06.

His shoulders were super wide...  Before I knew what was really happening, my small, petite, woman doctor jumped on the table and was telling me to push as hard as I could and don't stop.  A handful of nurses started throwing their bodies on my belly and pushing.  Then my doctor decided to reach in and grab his shoulder and pull him out.  And he was free!  There was meconium, so the nurses took him immediately - Tyler didn't even have time to cut the cord.  Because I didn't realize what had happened, I just kept asking if he was alive; I didn't understand all the rush.  She reassured me he was fine and that he was just a bit stuck...

He ended up weighing in at 9lbs 11ozs. (Holy moly big baby!!!)  I ended up only having a "paper cut" for a tear; she said it was so small she almost didn't see it.  Sweet!  Because Lucas about destroyed me. Calvin spend the remainder of our time at the hospital in the NICU because he had fluid in his lungs... they say he came too quick, and therefore didn't have time to squeeze all the fluid out that naturally happens during pushing.  He nursed like a champ though and had the loudest cry - so loud I could hear him across the hall in our room.

Such a sweet time. I loved labor and delivery this time around... God was so good and I honestly felt this was a worship service and a great opportunity to trust God.  Im so thankful for my team this time (though much love to Corinne Henderson with Lucas), and I praise God for how He designed reproduction.

My Lord has redeemed labor for me. Its hard but its much sweeter than I had known.  As I look back their is one verse that changed my perspective...

James 1:2-4

² Count it all joy, my brothers,^[a] when you meet trials of various kinds, ³ for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. ⁴ And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

This is how Calvin got his name... James Calvin Hodge.  I do feel as if the Lord has allowed me to forgive and move forward. Im sure there will be fears the next time but I feel well equipped with Gods word and have faith that He is creator and good in all he does. God created all things and said it was good. Im on board with that and can trust HIM even if my emotions try to tell me otherwise.

I love you sweet James Calvin Hodge! I can't wait to see what God does through your life. You're my precious baby boy and I am a better women, mom, wife, and Christ follower because of your life. I pray for many many many years to watch you live life. 

Lucas loves his little brother (kisses every night)!!!   "Ca-vin"