Calvin's Birth Story: Part 1

Where to begin....

So, I found out I was pregnant on Christmas morning 2012 (The picture to the left is us on a mini-vacation on Thanksgiving weekend, where we apparently conceived Calvin). It was a surprise because well, I didn't have a cycle since I was still nursing Lucas.  But there it was, 2 little lines.

I was blissfully unaware of the  struggle this pregnancy was going to be.  No, not physical, but emotional struggles.  As time moved forward I was more and more hesitant to be excited about the coming baby. I wasn't even sure why. It was subtle. For instance, when people would ask "how are you doing?" or "are you nervous?", I was vague and neutral. Never excited, but you know, whatever. (I didn't even realize it until family started to act differently and finally started asking more serious questions. My sister said I think you might be struggling with ptsd. I thought she is crazy for saying that.)

I began a search for a doctor early. I didn't want to repeat what had happen with Lucas' labor so I was going in open, honest, and picky.  I did tons of research and asking around and landed on a family practice (didn't realize they even delivered babies).  Dr. Dornfeld was an award winning breastfeeding advocate and teacher.  She was younger and seemed from all the research to be a great doctor for our needs.  I went in to "interview" her.  I didn't want to commit.  I wanted to really know who I was partnering with and give whomever I worked with the full history.  I met with her not knowing I would end up balling the entire time.  Balled and balled and balled.  She listened, handed me a tissue, comforted, and listened more.  When I was done, the first thing she said was... "I'm so sorry... That is a horrible story.  It's abusive and no one should have to experience that."

WHAT?!?  Oh, is it really that bad?  I knew I was emotional but thought I was just a bit dramatic.

She asked many questions, comforted, and answered all my questions with patience.  It was amazing!!!  A doctor that cared!  This was a new thing for me...  I told her that Jesus is my all and I needed someone who understood that.  She professionally, and personally told me she was a Christian and that she wanted to be on my team and help me have a great experience with this birth.  I was so pumped.  I knew she was the one for me.  She told me I needed to start to work through some of these feelings. That she thought I was dealing with some PTSD.  Say what?!?!  And it began.  I had denied this for a while, but as I met with other Christian doulas, and my family members expressing concerns saying exactly the exact same thing, it was becoming much more clear.

I must say each meeting that I had, with 3 different doulas, was so encouraging.  To share this with women who knew labor well and had a heart for women in labor, it was so helpful to get their perspectives.  They were all great meetings, but the 3rd doula was a serious gift from God...

Her name is Kim Farr.   Early on, when I was having trouble finding a Christian doula, my doctor gave me her doula's name.  She wrote it down on a piece of paper, months before I finally called it.  I was scared.  Each meeting was a challenge; I had to tell my story over and over and knew when I met with them that the birth was becoming more real.  Anyway, one Sunday, I got the courage to pull out the number and call.  I looked down and noticed the name.  I had seen it before...... OH MY, we have mail for her?!?  She used to live in this house, weird!  Her parents still live down the street, and my neighbor knew her super well.

So after I made all these connections in my brain, I called her.  She was joyful and ready to meet with me.  I went to her home to hang out and talk.  Her kiddos watched Lucas as we chatted; it was so relaxing.  She listened and did even flinch.  She said she was sorry that it happened that way with Lucas, but simply said "why are you attaching that to this pregnancy?  It's a different baby, different story, different doctor, and different hospital."  FREEDOM!!

Suddenly I realized I didn't have to fix what happened with Lucas' birth, I needed to re-learn what labor looks like and prepare for this baby's birth, not live in the last one.  Yes, there are scars, and we should lay our burdens at the foot of the cross, but tomorrow has enough to worry about for itself. What can my worry do to help or change anything? The most freeing thing was, I didn't have to figure it all out before this coming baby.  God, in His time, heals.  Sweet relief!

I went home and felt that the meeting with her was a God-thing.  That, God had brought me into her life in such a unique way with all our connections, that I couldn't deny that she was someone He had placed in my birth story, in my life.  I called her a few days later to tell her I wanted her to be my doula and before I got to it she said the same thing... "God brought us together. I feel like He has given a special connection and I want to be a part of your birth process and story if you want me to be."

UMMMM YES!

We started immediately.  She gave me many resources that were a huge encouragement...  Fear in Childbirth, a chart about how labor progresses, and the greatest thing.... a bible study on pregnancy and labor (If I find the link to where you can buy it I will link it up).  This study changed my burdened heart to one dependant and confident in God's goodness, in Him as creator, and in His sovereignty.  It was simply, "Are you trusting God?  REALLY? If so don't question this coming labor or worry, because God is in control.  He is the creator of life, how life is created, and He designed how babies come into the world.  Its all GOOD."  Simple, right!

Yes, because of my baggage, it was a roller coaster at times but I was always reminded and pulled back to truth through, God's word, Tyler, my doula, and my doctor.  I was truly transformed in my thinking and God had redeemed labor in my mind.  Kim was a constant friend, Godly mentor, and teacher through the entire pregnancy.


She didn't tell me this until after Calvin was born, but she was waiting and watching me carefully knowing that at the end of the pregnancy, anxiety was gonna get me.  I apparently held it together for a really long time, but when we got to my due date and our bedroom remodel was barely done I started to freak out...

I blamed it all on the house not being ready.  But really it was fear!

I didn't know how labor was going to pan out, and it was terrifying.  Kim knew it was coming and was such an encouragement.  Tyler was patient and loving.  Together we all leaned on the Lord and reminded me to TRUST in God's plans.  And we prayed.

I was about 8 or 9 days over my due date.  (That alone is a trial)  I had contractions for days.  Never hurt, all were super consistent, but never hurt nor did they progress me.  They all stopped once I went to bed.  For at least 2 days we thought, for sure, I was in early labor... but nope.  Just practice.


To be continued...