Calvin's Birth Story: Part 2

Calvin's Birth Story: Part 2

But on Aug 25th they started up again in the morning.  I called my mom to come down and take Lucas. I walked the block a few times, sat on the birthball all day long and even did the pressure points.  I was exhausted and nothing was happening, so I went to bed.  I woke up around 12:30am to go pee.  No biggie, but laid back in bed and had a "different" contraction.  I felt it.  It hurt just a bit.  I laid there and about 10mins later another one came.  After about 3 of these coming ever 10mins, I woke up Tyler and told him what was happening.  He wanted to time them himself.  Two more came and they were 10mins apart.  I knew I was in early labor but could no longer sleep.  So I got in the shower.  BOOM! 2 - 3mins apart the second I got in the shower.  Crazy how it clicked on.  I labored in there while Tyler called Kim and our families. (I'm staring to get butterflies just writing this)

(...me too, as I proof-read, -Tyler)

I labored at home the entire time.  (So opposite of Lucas', where I was at the hospital the entire time)  I showered, (Kim showed up) sat on the birthball, moved to our rocking chair with a heating pad on my back, then back to the ball, while Kim pressed the heating pad on my back.  Back labor is no joke!

It was such a great experience.  We had on hymns in the background, papers with attributes of God posted on the walls, prayer, and overall calm and enjoyable environment.  During the contractions, I was able to sing whatever hymn was playing at the time and it just felt so good!!  They started to get a bit more intense, so Kim reminded me that I wanted to be at the hospital before transition.  We slowly headed that way, around 3:45am.

The drive I had been dreading wasn't so bad.  My rythmic breathing was key, and it was pretty good.  I just needed to concentrate to make sure I was still in "my zone."  We got there and they wheeled me upstairs because I definitely couldn't walk.  Tyler had to go park the car, and when doing so, called Dr. Dornfeld (she actually gave us her cell #).  We had to stop many times during the small trip up so that I could work through the contractions.  Got to the desk, weighed myself, went to the room, changed, peed in a cup, sat on the bed so they could hook me all up to the monitors and check my progress.  This all happened in about 10-20mins.

(I SERIOUSLY HAVE BUTTERFLIES RIGHT NOW)

They check how far along I was... BOOM!  Our nurse looked at me like holy moly... you're 8cm and your sac is about to pop!  I don't know how it happened, but labor pains increased once they had checked me.  The most intense part hit me like lightning.  Two contractions later, my water broke and gave instant relief, quickly followed by more intense pain. (This is when you think you are gonna die from pain...)

My awesome doctor showed up minutes later (we later found out she was running red-lights to rush over!!!).  She was calm as can be and was such an encouragement.  (Again so opposite of Lucas' experience I couldn't believe it.)

At this point, there were literally over 10 people in the room, mostly nurses.  Since things progressed so quickly, they weren't sure what to expect.

I kept screaming that I couldn't wait anymore that I HAD TO PUSH!  I was only at 9cm but my lovely doctor said ok.  Simple. Lets try.

Calvin was sunny side up, so we tried a few positions, but none worked, so on my back it was.  (One really cool thing was that my doctor just sat at the end of the bed on the corner just watching and encouraging.  She never rubbed anything or stretched things.  She calmly watched and encouraged)

I pushed for 20mins.  And to my surprise Calvin was huge!  So huge that he got stuck.  Yep stuck.  My doctor and Kim joked that his head was born at 5:05 but his body at 5:06.

His shoulders were super wide...  Before I knew what was really happening, my small, petite, woman doctor jumped on the table and was telling me to push as hard as I could and don't stop.  A handful of nurses started throwing their bodies on my belly and pushing.  Then my doctor decided to reach in and grab his shoulder and pull him out.  And he was free!  There was meconium, so the nurses took him immediately - Tyler didn't even have time to cut the cord.  Because I didn't realize what had happened, I just kept asking if he was alive; I didn't understand all the rush.  She reassured me he was fine and that he was just a bit stuck...

He ended up weighing in at 9lbs 11ozs. (Holy moly big baby!!!)  I ended up only having a "paper cut" for a tear; she said it was so small she almost didn't see it.  Sweet!  Because Lucas about destroyed me. Calvin spend the remainder of our time at the hospital in the NICU because he had fluid in his lungs... they say he came too quick, and therefore didn't have time to squeeze all the fluid out that naturally happens during pushing.  He nursed like a champ though and had the loudest cry - so loud I could hear him across the hall in our room.

Such a sweet time. I loved labor and delivery this time around... God was so good and I honestly felt this was a worship service and a great opportunity to trust God.  Im so thankful for my team this time (though much love to Corinne Henderson with Lucas), and I praise God for how He designed reproduction.

My Lord has redeemed labor for me. Its hard but its much sweeter than I had known.  As I look back their is one verse that changed my perspective...

James 1:2-4

² Count it all joy, my brothers,^[a] when you meet trials of various kinds, ³ for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. ⁴ And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

This is how Calvin got his name... James Calvin Hodge.  I do feel as if the Lord has allowed me to forgive and move forward. Im sure there will be fears the next time but I feel well equipped with Gods word and have faith that He is creator and good in all he does. God created all things and said it was good. Im on board with that and can trust HIM even if my emotions try to tell me otherwise.

I love you sweet James Calvin Hodge! I can't wait to see what God does through your life. You're my precious baby boy and I am a better women, mom, wife, and Christ follower because of your life. I pray for many many many years to watch you live life. 

Lucas loves his little brother (kisses every night)!!!   "Ca-vin"

Calvin's Birth Story: Part 1

Where to begin....

So, I found out I was pregnant on Christmas morning 2012 (The picture to the left is us on a mini-vacation on Thanksgiving weekend, where we apparently conceived Calvin). It was a surprise because well, I didn't have a cycle since I was still nursing Lucas.  But there it was, 2 little lines.

I was blissfully unaware of the  struggle this pregnancy was going to be.  No, not physical, but emotional struggles.  As time moved forward I was more and more hesitant to be excited about the coming baby. I wasn't even sure why. It was subtle. For instance, when people would ask "how are you doing?" or "are you nervous?", I was vague and neutral. Never excited, but you know, whatever. (I didn't even realize it until family started to act differently and finally started asking more serious questions. My sister said I think you might be struggling with ptsd. I thought she is crazy for saying that.)

I began a search for a doctor early. I didn't want to repeat what had happen with Lucas' labor so I was going in open, honest, and picky.  I did tons of research and asking around and landed on a family practice (didn't realize they even delivered babies).  Dr. Dornfeld was an award winning breastfeeding advocate and teacher.  She was younger and seemed from all the research to be a great doctor for our needs.  I went in to "interview" her.  I didn't want to commit.  I wanted to really know who I was partnering with and give whomever I worked with the full history.  I met with her not knowing I would end up balling the entire time.  Balled and balled and balled.  She listened, handed me a tissue, comforted, and listened more.  When I was done, the first thing she said was... "I'm so sorry... That is a horrible story.  It's abusive and no one should have to experience that."

WHAT?!?  Oh, is it really that bad?  I knew I was emotional but thought I was just a bit dramatic.

She asked many questions, comforted, and answered all my questions with patience.  It was amazing!!!  A doctor that cared!  This was a new thing for me...  I told her that Jesus is my all and I needed someone who understood that.  She professionally, and personally told me she was a Christian and that she wanted to be on my team and help me have a great experience with this birth.  I was so pumped.  I knew she was the one for me.  She told me I needed to start to work through some of these feelings. That she thought I was dealing with some PTSD.  Say what?!?!  And it began.  I had denied this for a while, but as I met with other Christian doulas, and my family members expressing concerns saying exactly the exact same thing, it was becoming much more clear.

I must say each meeting that I had, with 3 different doulas, was so encouraging.  To share this with women who knew labor well and had a heart for women in labor, it was so helpful to get their perspectives.  They were all great meetings, but the 3rd doula was a serious gift from God...

Her name is Kim Farr.   Early on, when I was having trouble finding a Christian doula, my doctor gave me her doula's name.  She wrote it down on a piece of paper, months before I finally called it.  I was scared.  Each meeting was a challenge; I had to tell my story over and over and knew when I met with them that the birth was becoming more real.  Anyway, one Sunday, I got the courage to pull out the number and call.  I looked down and noticed the name.  I had seen it before...... OH MY, we have mail for her?!?  She used to live in this house, weird!  Her parents still live down the street, and my neighbor knew her super well.

So after I made all these connections in my brain, I called her.  She was joyful and ready to meet with me.  I went to her home to hang out and talk.  Her kiddos watched Lucas as we chatted; it was so relaxing.  She listened and did even flinch.  She said she was sorry that it happened that way with Lucas, but simply said "why are you attaching that to this pregnancy?  It's a different baby, different story, different doctor, and different hospital."  FREEDOM!!

Suddenly I realized I didn't have to fix what happened with Lucas' birth, I needed to re-learn what labor looks like and prepare for this baby's birth, not live in the last one.  Yes, there are scars, and we should lay our burdens at the foot of the cross, but tomorrow has enough to worry about for itself. What can my worry do to help or change anything? The most freeing thing was, I didn't have to figure it all out before this coming baby.  God, in His time, heals.  Sweet relief!

I went home and felt that the meeting with her was a God-thing.  That, God had brought me into her life in such a unique way with all our connections, that I couldn't deny that she was someone He had placed in my birth story, in my life.  I called her a few days later to tell her I wanted her to be my doula and before I got to it she said the same thing... "God brought us together. I feel like He has given a special connection and I want to be a part of your birth process and story if you want me to be."

UMMMM YES!

We started immediately.  She gave me many resources that were a huge encouragement...  Fear in Childbirth, a chart about how labor progresses, and the greatest thing.... a bible study on pregnancy and labor (If I find the link to where you can buy it I will link it up).  This study changed my burdened heart to one dependant and confident in God's goodness, in Him as creator, and in His sovereignty.  It was simply, "Are you trusting God?  REALLY? If so don't question this coming labor or worry, because God is in control.  He is the creator of life, how life is created, and He designed how babies come into the world.  Its all GOOD."  Simple, right!

Yes, because of my baggage, it was a roller coaster at times but I was always reminded and pulled back to truth through, God's word, Tyler, my doula, and my doctor.  I was truly transformed in my thinking and God had redeemed labor in my mind.  Kim was a constant friend, Godly mentor, and teacher through the entire pregnancy.


She didn't tell me this until after Calvin was born, but she was waiting and watching me carefully knowing that at the end of the pregnancy, anxiety was gonna get me.  I apparently held it together for a really long time, but when we got to my due date and our bedroom remodel was barely done I started to freak out...

I blamed it all on the house not being ready.  But really it was fear!

I didn't know how labor was going to pan out, and it was terrifying.  Kim knew it was coming and was such an encouragement.  Tyler was patient and loving.  Together we all leaned on the Lord and reminded me to TRUST in God's plans.  And we prayed.

I was about 8 or 9 days over my due date.  (That alone is a trial)  I had contractions for days.  Never hurt, all were super consistent, but never hurt nor did they progress me.  They all stopped once I went to bed.  For at least 2 days we thought, for sure, I was in early labor... but nope.  Just practice.


To be continued...

Lucas in the Snow

No editing needed... his face is perfect!  I got a cute 5min shoot in with my #1!  Love you Lucas! Enjoy his baby blues. (You would never know he hates snow.  Secret weapons were a firetruck, scoop truck, and Lightning McQueen)

I did all I could to not shoot his elmo pjs under his cute shirt but elmo had to make an appearance.

Vday Special Offer! Love- Center Point Photography

ENJOY!!!!

Center Point Photography

Winter Update

I have not  had much to write about lately. I wish I did. But for now I just wanted to send out and update.

Lucas-
*Weighs 34lbs!
*Is obsessed with the movie Planes
*He loves being chased around all the time
*We are trying to learn how to obey with a joyful heart.
*LOVES "Caavin"Wakes up talking about him
*Got his hair cut
*Loves to help mommy cook

Calvin-
*5.5 months old
*Weighs 16lbs!
*Rolling from belly to back
*Sitting up (almost unassisted)
*Talks like crazy
*Jumping fanatic
*LOVES Peekaboo
*Sleeps about 10hrs a night.
*Thinks Lucas is the funnest person ever.

Tyler and I-
*We love our night time routine with the boys
     -Sit on the couch
     -Read a fun book
     -Read the bible
     -Sing a hymn and play "instruments" i.e. Pillows, legs, tambourine, and maracas
     -Pray
     -Give big hugs and kisses
*Saturday monrings are fun to wake up together.
*We are currently talking about our basement renovations that are coming in our future.
*We are tired. Most of the time.
*Tyler just turned 29.
*I have a painting bug.  My kitchen is the target. Who knows what will happen. I have my eyes on the kitchen table now and a new island in my future.
*Some things that have made us laugh lately...

Singing Russian Police

Whelp, thats our life as of now.  Have a super day!

CENTER POINT PHOTOGRAPHY ALSO HAVE SOME PRETTY SWEET NEWS TO ANNOUNCE ON VALENTINE'S DAY! 

Inner Beauty vs Outer Beauty

So over the years I have been kinda boring in the hair department. Only getting it done once a year. Max twice.  But before this I really enjoyed doing different things with my hair. Over time I just realized... who cares, it's hair. It's just not a priority for me. Its up keep that I dont have time or money for.

ShortBlonde

Bangs Mom cut

Shoulder High School

Being silly

Now as a stay at home mom Im lucky if my hair gets fixed 3times a week.  (Let alone get real clothes on) Im not complaining, I LOVE MY JOB! But sometimes I dont feel great. I feel tired, frumpy, unattractive, and messy. Which are my realities... I am dressed for my job. I manage my time so I get all my duties accomplished and well, doing my hair and getting dress to not go anywhere has been on the bottom. Im running around chasing Lucas, cleaning, cooking, among many other random events in my day that putting on nice cute clothes and pretty hair just arent a good fit. I dont want my pretty clothes getting stains, rips, spit up, snacks, and who knows what else on them.

BUT...

Is it beneficial for me? Even though it doesnt really fit my job description to put on cute clothes or do my hair and make up would it be good for me?  It's already hard on your view of body image when you have recently had a baby and dont feel "pretty" but is it important to take a little time to feel good about yourself.  Ive heard this many time from many other moms that it is important and I have watched enough of What Not to Wear to know its a slippery slope but is it just vanity? God says that our beauty is inward. And I totally agree! Far more important is our hearts and our character to be beautiful than our outward appearance. I strive daily to look more like Jesus and model His character to my family and those I may come in contact with. So this is the delima. Is my feelings of being frumpy, messy, unattractive (while at home) significant?

1 Peter 3:3-4
Let not yours be the [merely] external adorning with [elaborate] interweaving and knotting of the hair, the wearing of jewelry, or changes of clothes; But let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which [is not anxious or wrought up, but] is very precious in the sight of God. 

So for my job it might not be neccessry. But for myself and my marriage I think it is.  I dont want to feel these things around my husband. Even if he tells me otherwise (OFTEN) I still feel these things and it translates into my relationship. I dont want intimacy, or to be told I am attractive by my husband because I dont feel it. So to take a short 30mins in the morning to get ready may have to be added to my list of to do's. Im not only a mom... Im wife, friend, daughter, and me. So in this season Im think Im gonna try harder to look outside my day job and see that I can dress and do my hair cute anyday because its refreshing and it allows me to be all the other things that God has made me. I can be mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and christian as I get ready for the day. So here goes.

Time to attempt to a new do...

Here is me now.

And here are my potential new do's...

13

24

Monday Im getting it done so Ill share soon.  Hope this encourages someone or helps them think through this. I hope to hear your thoughts on this. Im not at the end of my thinking on this so please share your thoughts. Make up, clothing, hair... and so on.  

Until next time.

Lucas' Birth Story

This is my first time to write down the birth story of Lucas. It was a hard season but God has carried me through it and is receiving all the glory and praise. So here goes.

I had a great pregnancy with Lucas. Not really sick ever, 2nd trimester was great, and 3rd trimester is never fun. Labor started at about 6am when my water "broke". (It was more of a trickle.) But needless to say water breaks the doctor says go in. So thats what we did.  This is an important detail... I am a very visual person and tend to get anxious easily... because of these characteristic I decided to know as little about labor as possible. You know, ignorance is bliss.  I never watched a labor video or saw any images of labor. Just chatted with my doula about it.
Anyway, we made it to the hospital around 7am.  We got there checked in and tried to get comfortable. My doctor was not on call. It was another doctor that was in our office that I had never met. We met him and told him our desire was to have a 100% natural labor. No interventions. Dont even offer it unless baby or mom is at risk or if we ask. Well, that information was not what he wanted to hear. He promptly told us I wouldnt make it past 5cm and that I would be in labor for well over 24hrs.  WoW! That is not a good start.  We told him we still wanted to try and shockingly we were still feeling good about it. It was a weird first impression but because of the hype of labor we easily moved past it.

Well in order to keep labor moving along I walked the halls for a few hrs. Couldnt tell you how long but I walked till I couldnt walk anymore. I then found a good spot on the birth ball. It was comfortable and to be honest I was having so much back labor I was terrified to move to a different position. One major pain manager was my doula sitting behind me and pressing an extremely hot rag on my back during every contraction. But let me tell you when they say its labor they really mean it. Because my water had broken many hours earlier the contractions were pretty intense. Keep in mind I had no pain medicines. Ok so this is were it gets crazy...

I was at 7cm. 7!  That is transition and everyone kept saying were are so close. Well that couldnt have been farther from the truth. Hours later I made it to 9cm. Then I got stuck. Yep stuck. The doctor came in and stood as far away as possible and spoke every time I had a contraction. He had to repeat about 4 times that because I wasnt progressing like "normal" and I needed to have a C-section, epidural, or an internal probe. (whatever that meant) We, meaning my family, doula, Tyler, and myself, proceeded to ask many follow up questions.
      "Was there something wrong with the baby?" "Was there something wrong with me?" "Is there something that we dont know?" "Do we have other options?"

He said all was good. No one was at risk. Heart rate was good and nothing concerning but it just isnt "normal" to transition for so long. So Tyler asked...

"Can we just wait and see what happens?"

He promptly responded, "You're making her suffer!?"

Tyler said no we made this choice early on. We are on the same page. And I agreed.

The doctor then said "She can suffer all night for all I care!" And he stormed out the door.

So Tyler followed because clearly this was not how a doctor should treat a patient. Tyler was walking behind him trying to catch up to him to talk and stand up for me. The doctor turned around and shoved Tyler. Yep the doctor actually did this. (One nurse saw it but refused to admit it. I dont blame her. Thats a crazy situation) Security was called, my father in law and my dad somehow heard and met up with Tyler in the hall as they all dealt with the conflict. They threatened to kick Tyler out of the hospital. Tyler then refused to allow that doctor to deliver Lucas.  That didnt go well with the doctor or the hospital.

Mean while the head nurse came in my room and kicked everyone out. I was alone in transition with a nurse I didnt know. She said we dont care what your husband says we need to know what you want to do. I told her I didnt want to do anything I wanted to keep trying. So after what seemed like forever Tyler came back in the room.

Well, my doctor showed up an hour later. He treated us the same way the other doctor treated us. Stood on the other side of the room, speaking over contractions, and sternly only giving me the same 3 options. I was soooo exhausted at this point and scared I opted for an epidural. Well... because I didnt have an IV I had to wait an hr to get fluid in me. Then by that time there was no dr available do administer the epidural. So another hour passed and as the epidural dr came in so did the head nurse and she checked me.... After 5hrs stuck at 9.5cm she said I was at 10cm and could push.

I have heard many friends tell me this was their favorite part. But because I did all I could do for the last few hours not to push, it was honestly not my favorite part.  I remember saying to my doctor between pushes.. "Wow! This is really hard!", "This hurts bad", among many other things. ;) My doctors response was, "I told you so.", "now you know why people get epidurals." and "stop breathing!" I felt like I was doing a horrible job. Like I was doing it all wrong.  But after about 45mins to 1hr Lucas was born at 1243am on Dec 30th.... 19.5hrs of labor! It felt soooo good to be all done!  So thankful for a healthy baby boy and to finally get rest for my body.

THIS MAY BE TOO MUCH DETAIL BUT ITS APART OF LUCAS' BIRTH STORY. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

I was soon informed that I had ripped almost completely through. Doctor said I was "hanging on by a thread".  This proved to be a long road for me for months to come.

ANYWAYS...

So they next day we are sitting in the recovery room staring at Lucas in awe, and talking about the experience from the day before.  We knew that what had happened during labor was wrong but were trying to talk it out together to move forward.


Shortly after that chat my doctor came into the room to check on me and Lucas.  I told him I was good. That my tear was hurting but that was tolerable.  He told me he thought I could leave by the 31st because all seemed to be fine.  He only spoke to me and didnt really acknowledge Tyler at all.  But as he turned to leave Tyler said Im sorry we had to call you in last night. The situation got out of hand and we didnt trust the doctor and felt we needed someone to trust. Sorry for all the craziness. The doctor then told us exactly how he felt. He said I have dreaded the last 9months because everytime you come to the office you think you know it all. You are not a doctor. You are prideful, arrogant, and you think you know it all! I hated you as my patient. Tyler honestly calmly responded with I am sorry you felt that way. That is not my intention. I am a through and thoughtful person. I love information and I wanted to know why you do what you do, not just what you do.

They went back and forth for a while trying to understand each other and finally I added my thoughts. I told the doctor I understood his perspective. How Tyler can easily come off that way, but that his heart is far from those things. He came off to me this way when we first met but I soon learned its just how he can be perceived not who he is. Thats how it ended. Awkward and uncomfortable. I was in shock!  Tyler was very confused.

We left the hospital a day later went home. Tyler got an amazing video of me (which at the time I didnt want but now am thankful for) talking about my experience and cried through most of it. ( I dont know if I will ever share the video but Im thankful I have it) That being said I the next few months I was a wreck. I had some serious post partum and wasnt sure if it would ever go away.  I had serious nursing problems, cried often, it was so hard to think about the labor, and I stressed about every detail. (Part of this is being a new mommy) But around the 5month mark I started to feel better.  (What I didnt know was that I had buried a lot of it and pushed it off to the side as not a big deal. Ill share more on the effects of it all in a later post.)

Needless to say Lucas' story hasn't been an easy one to tell but it feels so good to finally write it down. I've shared it a number of times but to write it down, well for some reason I was so scared. Calvin's birth played a huge part in my closure and healing from the trauma of Lucas' labor.  Thanks for reading. I cant wait to share with you how the Lord used fear to heal me and trust God even more.

Life without this boy wont be the same. Lucas even though your birth story is crazy I wouldnt trade it for anything because it gave me you! Love you!

  

 

Love you my sweet boy!!!!!