Im seeing my sin. I see I need the Lord to change me. I am truly helpless without him.
I am an angry mommy. I yell, I growl, I intimidate, I am short tempered, and plain angry. I didn't just decide to be this way one day. It has slowly crept in and seems to have entangled me. Specifically my anger is toward Lucas. (Calvin doesn't really do anything yet so its hard to be angry at him) He is at such a hard age. 2 is really challenging me. My big picture vision is to show Jesus. To talk about Jesus, to be an example of Jesus and to rely on Jesus. Great big picture right? But how on earth do I do this on a day to day basis? Lucas is an energetic, strong willed, test the boundaries, through a tantrum, spit on you, 35lb, 2 year old little boy, and Im finding I am not able to see big picture in the small daily moments.
Time is flying and I don't want to waste it!
I realized I was angry through few avenues... 1st my husband, 2nd Gods word (the fruits of the spirit for starters), 3rd my throat was sore after a discipline situation, 4th the Holy Spirit, and 5th the look on my boys face.
My heart aches as I write this. Im embarassed, ashamed, and saddened. How did this happen!? But I know my God is mighty to save and is eager to draw His peoples hearts close to Him. I know that the Lord is the only one who changes hearts. No positive words or thinking can change the heart. I can't find my own strength and will power to be victorious over this sin. I NEED CHRIST!
I know that I need to change but don't know where to begin? I don't have a calm, responsive, well behaved little boy. When Lucas spits, hurts or scares Calvin, continues to reach for the sharp knife even though I have told him not to, marks on the couch with permanent marker, throws his food off the table, takes his clothes and diaper off in the middle of the night and pees all over himself, and oh how the list goes on... How do I change my reaction? I am genuinely asking you because I don't know. Im dealing with my sin right now! What verses to you cling to? What do you do in those moments?
I love my boys more than I ever thought possible and I think they are the cutest things to have ever hit this earth but Im a sinner trying to shepard little sinner hearts. I want to not make him a well behaved little boy, I want him to be wild and free! I want him to laugh, run, play, and learn with joy and zeal. I don't want to squash that.So there it is. My ugly sin. My gross heart. My mean attitude. There are a few women out there that I look at and think how gentle and sweet they are. Im encouraged by you. I want to learn from you. I know you aren't perfect, and that you struggle in other areas but this is my struggle and I can learn from you. God gave us fellowship so we could sharpen each other and call our fellow brothers and sisters to strive to look more like Jesus. Please if you have ANY encouragement or exhortation for me pass it along.
Some verses I cling to:
Psalm 30:5
For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning.
Psalm 103:8
The Lord is compassionate and gracious, Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
Proverbs 15:18
A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, But the slow to anger calms a dispute.
James 1:19-20
This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.
Galatians 5:19-24
19 Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: [a]immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, [b]factions, 21 envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.24 Now those who [c]belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Sinful but saved by GRACE,
Alissa
